Far From the Tree: Parents, Children and the Search for Identity by Andrew Solomon

Far From the Tree: Parents, Children and the Search for Identity by Andrew Solomon is an iconic book exploring the challenges faced by parents and their children that are ‘far from the tree’ – parents raising children who are not what they initially expected, such as children with physical and intellectual conditions, those estranged from their families, those of a different race, those whose orientation is different from what the parents expected, and even those serving prison time for crime. Ultimately, the ultimate question is not why these parents and their children have differences; rather, what can be done and what can be learned from these differences?

The research for this book was conducted over a period of 10 years and Solomon interviewed over 300 families. At the core of the book is the exploration of the love and tolerance that parents can have for their children and, importantly, the values of acceptance that parents can be taught and in turn pass on to their children. Solomon looks at how, through understanding and accommodation, acceptance can create family bonds that can create not only a sense of belonging, but also establish strong foundations for future generations.

Far From the Tree is broken up into seven distinct categories, in order to explore how different kinds of ‘difference’ require different strategies and techniques to manage, nurture and accept. These categories are: Deafness; Prodigies; Disability; Transgender; Mental Illness; Criminal Activity; and Adoption. Throughout these categories, Solomon provides readers with numerous examples of how families manage, often with considerable difficulty, when their expectations for their children are not met.

The book's thorough exploration of family relationships does not attempt to provide solutions to the difficulties faced by those who are ‘far from the tree’; however, it does present a number of important themes that often run across all the various categories. For example, Solomon introduces the idea of ‘sameness’ and ‘difference’, showing that parents can validate their love for their children by accepting sameness and also celebrating difference. He also highlights the importance of providing effective support to family members, helping parents to recognise the underlying feelings of their children and also letting the child know that they are unconditionally loved and accepted.

In addition, the book explores parent's need to understand how their children develop their personal identity, which can be a heavy weight particularly in the context of society’s perception of what is considered the ‘norm’. Through example and reflection, Solomon helps readers understand the process of re-defining ‘normality’ and the need for making space for difference and encourage others to do the same.

By delving deep into the issues and experiences of the different households interviewed, Far From the Tree is a poignant and insightful read that provides a much needed human perspective on the issues being discussed. The book is suitable for anyone who has experienced family life and wants to appreciate the fabulous variety to be found in many of the great life struggles we all face as parents, between the experience of love, recognition and acceptance.