Difficult conversations are a part of life and often the key to stronger relationships and better results. But how can we have productive conversations about difficult subjects? Sheila Heen explores this question in her book, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most.
Heen, a Harvard professor and coauthor of Difficult Conversations, is an accomplished researcher and consultant whose main focus is on understanding and resolving misunderstandings. She and her coauthors offer insightful advice on topics such as how to anticipate conflicts and sensitively respond to the emotions of the moment.
At the heart of Difficult Conversations is the three-conversation model. Heen says there are three distinct conversations that occur in any situation that requires a difficult dialogue. The three conversations are what happened, the feelings derived from the event, and the identity conflicts that need to be worked out.
The first of these conversations is the 'what happened' conversation. This is where two people state and discuss events they both agree happened in the past. This conversation is the foundation for the other two conversations.
The second conversation is the 'feelings conversation.' This conversation is all about understanding each other's perspectives, experiences, and reactions to the events that have happened and assessing impacts. In this conversation, each person is trying to listen to the other person's reactions and case without judgement.
The third conversation is the 'identity conversation.' This conversation covers the underlying issues that go beyond the 'what happened' conversation. It's about understanding each other's values, beliefs, and expectations. This is also where each person can decide how to go forward and make commitments to each other.
The three-conversation model provides a structure for talking about sensitive issues. Heen also outlines several skills that can help improve communication. These skills are all based on the concept of 'curiosity.' She stresses how important it is to be curious and open to the perspectives of others in order to navigate difficult conversations productively.
Heen emphasizes the idea of how our conversations can often create suffering, and how it's important to bring empathy and respect to every conversation. She shares several tactical tips to help prepare for and manage a difficult conversation. This includes having an honest dialogue about precisely what you hope to get out of the conversation, helping the other person to feel safe, and looking for common ground to bridge gaps.
In the end, Heen argues that the key to successful difficult conversations is to focus on the clearness with which the conversation is held and the quality of the resolution achieved. She recommends her three-conversation model to help bring understanding and clarity to challenging conversations. Whether you're discussing with a partner, a colleague, or anyone else, Difficult Conversations is a must-read for anyone looking for insight into navigating productive dialogues about complex topics.
